Bounce Back

I so Love how no one is commenting on my post. Sometimes it is hard to be the "good" girl, parts of me just want to throw that away sometimes. i will have people say to me " O i am so proud of you." Well, if they knew what I have done, they would not be. These past few days I have really felt myself slipping, and u know what?...I kept thinking maybe it wasn't so bad living a secular life. I know, I know, i should be shot. I have been really stupid, and I am not proud of myself...at all. Beckie said something encouraging today, so that is aiding the healing process. Tonight I was going through songs to see if they were high so they could challenge me, anyways, when Bounce Back by Stacie Orrico started playing, I just dropped down on my bed. The words sooo spoke to me. "It blew my mind into a thousand pieces, pushed You aside and still You got my back, Chapter One page One, This is the part where I got weak, fell in too deep, Every day and night got cought up in the hype, Started getting rough but, Cause You showed me love, I'm gonna, Bounce bouce back, shake it off get right on track, I'm moving on gotta put it in the past, bounce bounce back, snap my fingers just like that, I let it go gotta let it fade to black, Like a river cry all my tears, I have to swim through it, dry it off i'm outta here, bounce bounce back, Shake it off! I'm right on track, I'll be moving on...." No matter what I do. No matter where I go. God has still got my back ( yeah i am getting all ghetto on ur hiney) anywho, the "healing process" isnt over, but I will get there, with some perseverance.

eh

Yeah, so I have a newfound love for Audrey hepburn. She was cool. I like watching her in movies.

So.... lately I have been kinda depressed. Even little things make me go down. The thing is, no one can tell. I can have a happy expression on my face, or I can be having fun, but if you leave me aolne with my thoughts for two seconds, I go down. Someone asked me if I had lost weight, ok, so maybe I have. (It is called the teeth hurt so dont feel like eating much diet. It costs $4000.) Anyway, I have not been happy with my image lately and I have been wearing baggy clothes, and I wore something tighter than usual. When I got home, I weighed myself, and yup, I have lost 5 pounds. Now weight is on my mind again. I dont want it to be there. Yay, I lost weight, so what, it always comes back.

Some of the things that have been depressing me I cant even put a finger on. I know something is there bothering me, but I wouldnt talk to anyone about it and I wouldn't know how to fix it. Some things that are bothering me are my relationships with other people. When I am away from someone for awhile, I forget who they are. Comments my mother makes about people become my own thinking. Sometimes...she is right. But I dont want to think of someone in a certain way just cuz they are busy. It isn't even one relationship that is bothering me, (nothing with boys, well...) there are a couple of things that I am missing. Like leaving my church and recent goings on at my school. A relationship I have had with someone is dwindiling because her life is changing, and she isnt there anymore. I hate to be selfish like this, I just miss her is all, and I dont want her to feel bad. I dont even know that if I was with her it would change the way I have been feeling lately. I have been kinda down for the past 2 and a half weeks. I haven't even kept up with my Lord. And you know what? I dont want to. And I hate to say that, but I am so lazy and that down that I just dont give Him the time of day, and I know I should. I mean, I want to work in ministry for crying out loud. My days consist of going to school, working hard all day in school, and coming home an either doing extra or laying down and watching tv or a movie. I have been working really hard lately bcuz I want to be done with school in April.

I think what I need, is two specific people. But if I can't go without them now, then how will I be able to hold myself acountable for things. What? Are we all growing out of each other? This saddens me. I just want to go to bed. Goodnight.

Jazz Baby died. He only lasted 5 months, he was supposed to last 5 years. I sent out a mass text and the person i primarily wrote it for did not respond. I so want to be a brat and complain and tell that person how..withdrawn??? I feel.

Is true love only in the movies?

Good but bad.

It was a good day, sorta. It turned out good for someone else, but not really so good for me. There has been a problem with a boy at the school. It could have escalated to someone getting hurt. So,yesterday, without permission from the person who was affected (who wasn't there anyway), I told the principal. I know it wasn't my place to say anything, but I really felt that God was pushing me to do it. Last night the girl affected was mad. Today, we were fine, and we sat in the sanctuary for a couple of hours with her upset, and me trying with everything I had to be a comfort to her. She wasn't bitter about what I did. And she was nervous about having to talk to her parents. I told her not to think of them as parents, but as "2 sticks that love you." ...I at least got a smile out of her. I talked to her later and things were good, we got a boy expelled from school...but things were good. I don't know about him. When I told the principal, I never really though about the kid, I was just thinking of my friend, the victim of it all. Well, I at least learned something today, I now know who my true friends are. My friends are not my fellow seniors who ignore me and are mad at me because i did the right thing, my friends are the people who were directly involved and who love me anyway. I know I did the right thing. I mean, the girl's mom even thanked me and said "u did the right thing." I hate the fact that at a Christian school, I am getting grief from my fellow classmates because I tried to protect someone. And if I was to tell them I felt God was pushing me to do it, then I would be ridiculed some more, and I am in a CHRISTIAN school. If my fellow seniors don't speak to me, then ok. I know who my true friends are now. I only have to sit with the seniors until I am out of there anyway. Who knows what God will do to all of our hearts.