eh

Yeah, so I have a newfound love for Audrey hepburn. She was cool. I like watching her in movies.

So.... lately I have been kinda depressed. Even little things make me go down. The thing is, no one can tell. I can have a happy expression on my face, or I can be having fun, but if you leave me aolne with my thoughts for two seconds, I go down. Someone asked me if I had lost weight, ok, so maybe I have. (It is called the teeth hurt so dont feel like eating much diet. It costs $4000.) Anyway, I have not been happy with my image lately and I have been wearing baggy clothes, and I wore something tighter than usual. When I got home, I weighed myself, and yup, I have lost 5 pounds. Now weight is on my mind again. I dont want it to be there. Yay, I lost weight, so what, it always comes back.

Some of the things that have been depressing me I cant even put a finger on. I know something is there bothering me, but I wouldnt talk to anyone about it and I wouldn't know how to fix it. Some things that are bothering me are my relationships with other people. When I am away from someone for awhile, I forget who they are. Comments my mother makes about people become my own thinking. Sometimes...she is right. But I dont want to think of someone in a certain way just cuz they are busy. It isn't even one relationship that is bothering me, (nothing with boys, well...) there are a couple of things that I am missing. Like leaving my church and recent goings on at my school. A relationship I have had with someone is dwindiling because her life is changing, and she isnt there anymore. I hate to be selfish like this, I just miss her is all, and I dont want her to feel bad. I dont even know that if I was with her it would change the way I have been feeling lately. I have been kinda down for the past 2 and a half weeks. I haven't even kept up with my Lord. And you know what? I dont want to. And I hate to say that, but I am so lazy and that down that I just dont give Him the time of day, and I know I should. I mean, I want to work in ministry for crying out loud. My days consist of going to school, working hard all day in school, and coming home an either doing extra or laying down and watching tv or a movie. I have been working really hard lately bcuz I want to be done with school in April.

I think what I need, is two specific people. But if I can't go without them now, then how will I be able to hold myself acountable for things. What? Are we all growing out of each other? This saddens me. I just want to go to bed. Goodnight.