God is Great

I gues it is time I actually write out the awesome story about a girl and a car.
So a couple of weeks ago, my car (neo) randomly got a severe oil leak that really wasn't worth us fixing. I was rather bummed out because i need a vehicle everyday of the week, and my schedule doesn't really work with anyone else's. I was kinda upset about it and I was trying to rely on God, all my life I have been taught that God will provide, well, this was a time for me to test my faith in that. I really tried to go to God first with my concerns, it was an effort. The night after i found out about my car, i drove to rehersal in my mom's car, when i got there, there was a person who could tell right off the bat that something was bothering me, and I shared with her about my car. Before rehersal started, she went downstairs, a couple of minutes later, she came back upstairs. She told me that she called her husband and they decided that I could borrow their green honda which was an oil guzzler, gas guzzler, and had 2 cracks in the windsheild. I just had to wait for her husband to register his truck,and then I could borrow that car until I could find another one. It was a temporary blessing that I was so excited about, it really lifeted my spirits for the evening. (before i go on, i have to say that the spedometer doesn't work in my mom's car) When I was driving home that night, I was praying, and I just had a small thought of "God, it would be great if the spedometer came on, I would feel much safer driving home."
I looked down at the spedometer, and it came on. That gave me such a renewed faith. When I got home I was pratically preaching at my parents and saying how God said He would provide and He will. God was going to provide me with something better than what I had in the driveway. God said He would never leave me or forsake me. God knew my need before it happened.I think that was when I wrote the post below about faith.
I just kept going on through that week bumming rides off my folks and some others :) . That sunday, i was talking to the lady about the car and we were discussing when I would be able to pick it up. She went and talked to her husband for a couple of minutes, then she pulled me over. Her husband looked at me and said, "If you would like it, the car can be yours." I didn't know what to say. To know God was going to provide and then for it to happen, didn't lessen the shock. I think I said thank you and a blessing is appreciated. I was completely floating on a cloud the rest of the day. It was great to see God work in such awesome ways.
It has been a couple of weeks, and I am still without a car, I'm probably getting it this week. The funny thing is, I'm not impatient. I was told I should be, and that I should be riding the backs of the people giving me the car, but the person who told me that was wrong. For the first time in my life, I am completely at peace and patient about this car thing. God has provided, I am not waiting to see IF God will provide. I have no problem waiting for this blessing. I am just so grateful for God putting these people in my life. It isn't even just about the car. I had nicknamed the lady blessing, because that is what she has been to me since I met her. God has used her to help me through some pretty difficult times.
I am not sharing this to say look at my good fortune. That isn't what this is about at all. I just want to remind anyone who reads this, that God is still on the throne, and all those promises He made to us through His Word, will not return void. Even though you can't see Him, God is still there.

Smaller than a mustard seed.

Faith....smaller than a mustard seed, turned the speedometer on.
Unknown faith, brought home small blessings.
Visible faith, continues as a witness.
Proof that faith is indeed powerful, showed the extreme power of God.
God providing for the tiniest of needs, is fertilizer to faith.
Growth in faith, provides joy of the Lord.
The joy of the Lord is my strength.
God's awesome power will prove for an even more fantastic testimony in the future.

Brutally Honest

I have come to realize that those who reach out the most,

to the point of giving too much information, and maybe even those who start to annoy,

are the ones who are in the most need.

We become desensitized to their every word because they become like a broken record.

Unfortunately, those people are the ones who attempt suicide.

Those who are able to pull through, are left with constant reminders.

Those who succeed, leave those who loved them behind, with pain and heartache.

What can we do for these people?

The next time they utter a short bit of TMI, pay attention, talk to the person about it.

If you see a glimpse of pain, don't let someone walk out with it.

Even if you don't feel like it, you need to help.

Sometimes you may not feel like being helpful, but what you want or do not want to do, doesn't matter. It just so happens that life doesn't revolve around you. But if you can make it revolve around someone else for a while, you may become a part of saving a life.

I don't know..what the crap this is.

Do I know? I may not even care. Is what I think true? Or is it just a figment of my imagination? Do I know who I am and what I am to be? Do I know where I am going? Is there any control here? Over anything? Do I know how to fix it? No. She looks at me and knows me better than I know myself....but she isn't a christian. She knows that something is up before I even know it. It is kinda crazy. I hate myself right know and i don't know how to improve upon things. What...do I just wait it out for circumstances? Wow I just realized why little things make me smile, and make me so delirously happy. Do I know happiness? I don't even feel like singing anymore. I don't even feel like feeling, because that means I have to deal, and I don't want to deal.! I hate not wanting to sing....i'm suffering for many things because i don't feel like it. Usually, when I am feeling like this, I feel the need to talk to someone in particular. I don't feel that way this time. Have I hit a new low? Or is it just that I don't know how to explain myself?
These trials and tribulations? The way I'm feeling, is this supposed to be preparing me for the days ahead...cuz it just sucks and I am dwelling in my own laziness. I think I want some food.

Looking back...

"I want to be a help to young girls who don't know what the heck is going on and I want to tell them that it's all right."

Over a year ago, I realized that what I wanted to do with my life wasn't what God wanted me to do. At that time I felt a real burden on my heart to be a help to others. What I quoted above is what I had written then, and how I felt at that point. I have pretty much decided what I am going to do with my life since then. For a while now, I have been a little uneasy, knowing that this was a great thing...but kind of waiting on God for a real confirmation. I was thinking today, about how great a time I have when I am teaching. I have this one class, that makes me want to throw my head against the wall sometimes. But it is my favorite class. Some of the children in that class, have real problems at home, and don't feel very loved. There is one boy, whose mother is a drug addict, and he pretty much said no one loved him, and that his mom was going away again. I was told by the teacher that that wasn't one of the worst stories of that class. One girl came up to me once and asked me whether or not she should join chorus because at her old school, something happened and the chorus dissolved, and she cried. I stood there and I said to her that she had nothing to worry about, that the person who taught chorus, and I, would not be going anywhere.
There is another girl who just loves me...I never quite understood why. And the other day, she wrote on the back of her music journal that she loved music with Ms. Abrahams....I'm pretty sure I will be making a copy of that and putting it up in my dorm (when I am in college). Thinking about these things with this class today, made me realize, I'm doing what I thought I would be doing. I'm standing there, and telling these kids it is going to be ok...I'm also showing them love, when sometimes they don't feel loved. I feel now that I have God's stamp of approval, and that it is ok for me to go full speed ahead.

Christmas time

Sunday night, christmas eve, I sang a solo at my church. I had called my aunt earlier that day to see if she could come. She surprised me by showing up. I hadn't heard from her so I assumed she was not coming. I was looking at the words to my song and then all of a sudden i see her fiddling with the doors at my church. I was so excited, i like jumped her and gave her a hug! I was just so excited to see her, it had been almost a year since i had seen her last. Yeah so I greeted her and introduced her to my brother's girlfriend, and then the service had to start so I needed to get to the piano cuz i was playing for the service. I sang my solo, I wasn't to happy with it, but I am trying not to be so hard on myself as I usually am. After the service, I went over to my uncle don and aunt sharons house. My aunt sharon's family was there, twas a full house. I wsa the only one from my family to go, I wanted to be with the other part of my family. I didn't stay too late, i was coming down with something. On christmas day, my whole family went over. I hardly had any conversation with my aunt. I had been looking forward to seeing her, and we hardly did anything. But during the time i was there, i had taken off my high heals, so i was a tiny bit shorter than her, and I gave her a hug. We were standing there in the kitchen for probably 5 minutes just like that. I felt like a little girl. I was just stadning there with my head on my aunt's shoulder, and she was playing with my hair and rubbing my back. I didn't mind that she made me feel very small, It was kinda relaxing. Hardly anything was said. As loved as I felt, I still wished I could have had some sort of conversation with her. I'm kinda dissapointed about that. There isn't anything I can do about it. So christmas was interesting. I have a lot of thoughts on my mind now. Nothing that has much significance though....I must look like i am in need of hugs lately. On saturday i got hugged 4 times by the same person, and then one of my co-workers, who wasn't working at the time..gave me a hug. Then there was christmas...so yeah...hugs are cool. I feel loved.

Y does no one ever comment???

I could cry right now. I am so overwhelmed. I don't know what to do. I am not good enough for a conservatory of music, but if I went to another kind of school I don't know that I would get the best education. There are tons of people who would try to get into a conservatory and they have had years of training. I am so incredably behind, I haven't even had a year of training, and I don't know if I could catch up. It is really hard for me to focus but I really want to do this right. When I finish college, I want people to look at where I went to school and imediately recognize the name. I could really hit my head on the wall right now. I should be sending out applications right now, but I have no idea what I am doing. I need a heck of a lot of guidance. I am just so clueless.